Emotions run wild

09 Jan. 12


Today is the last full day I get to spend with my son Keagan. This life we chose seems to be full of goodbye’s, some of them easier than others. But always goodbye’s. It seems you make friends with someone today and tomorrow you find yourself saying goodbye as you watch them sail off into the distance. Never quite sure if you will ever get to see them again. Sometimes you don’t even get to see them leaving because they leave during the middle of the night and the next day when you walk down to the docks, you are met by an open void. Most of the people down here that we became close to have already left since the season is marching on to its end and they had to go. Saying goodbye to Keagan tomorrow at the airport is going to be hell and this is going to possibly be the toughest goodbye I’ve ever had to do.

Since it is his last full day I woke him at five this morning when I got up and we went for a walk down to the foreshore sitting on a concrete chair staring at the water made me realise just how much I enjoy his company. He has always been pleasant company but through the years as he has grown into the near adult that he now has become he has evolved into someone I really enjoy and love. The next time I see him he will probably be all grown up and I would have missed some part of his life forever. I have to stop this right now before I break down into tears. Oops to late have to go now and hide in my room so he doesn’t see me.

11 Jan. 12

Although it sounds stupid, airports and graveyards have a lot in common to me today. The mood here on Yrumoar is sombre and sad this morning. I find myself staring into the empty cabins that just yesterday were occupied by my children. Not knowing when I will see them again due to this absolute uncertain future path that I have chosen makes it so difficult to deal with. If I was sure that I would be able to see them again in a couple of months or perhaps even a year it would be easier to cope. However I have no funds available to be able to get them to me until we reach New Zealand on the other side of the earth. Even this isn’t guaranteed if we don’t get work in that country. So, I am going to throw myself into the boat work for the next few weeks to occupy my mind and help heal the open wounds.

At least I have been left with some awesome memories to help tide me over till next time. Times spent with my son rowing down the river on our inflatable canoe. Time spent sitting having sundowners in the cockpit watching him explain passionately about his life, experiences and friends back home. The walk down to the beech sitting watching the water in calm serene silence. Other times once my daughter arrived joking and laughing, sometimes poking good humoured innocent fun at her boyfriend. The memory of my daughter explaining how her brother has such gay statuses on facebook that he may as well say “ahh boo boo boo boo boo”.

My son was down here for a month and a half but it flew by so fast that it felt like he was only here a few days. My Daughter arrived the day after Christmas and left yesterday but will be back in a few days. Her visit was so short that it felt she just arrived for the day and left again. I hope her next visit feels longer and I am going to make a point of spending some alone time with her. That time is the quality time that makes for good memories. In the past when we where still living up in Joey’s she always tried to make a point of spending some alone time with me but my life was so wrapped up in work and other unimportant crap that it didn’t always work out. I don’t want to make that mistake again. Life teaches you lessons but always after the fact and then you wish things had been different but cannot change what has already been done.

15 Jan. 12

The wounds are still raw since my son left and I haven’t really been able to motivate myself or pull myself out of the sinking feeling in my chest. Working on the boat hasn’t been very rewarding and even though I have fitted the solar panels and some hooks at the back to tidy the ropes I feel uninterested and slightly detached. Yesterday we hired some labour to sand under the waterline so we can get ready to paint antifoul paint. Today he sanded the rudders and found problems with them. I didn’t want any more problems so this just added to my woes. My wallet also got stolen when Lola went to the shop with all my licences and things in it. The licences are inconvenient but the photo that I carried in my wallet of my kids is not replaceable. One a positive note my daughter is on her way back here today so I am looking forward to spending a few more days with her. I hope my glum mood doesn’t get in the way. I can see Lola studying me every now and then. She isn’t really sure how to handle me at the moment and I can’t give her advice because I don’t know myself.

16 Jan. 12

Yesterday we drove about 150 km to Princes Grant to visit some family on Lola’s side. The distraction and the time away from the boat were most rewarding and helped to lift my dark clouded mood somewhat. I was much quieter and less humorous than my normal self but perhaps it was a blessing in disguise giving other people the chance to take the limelight and saving the souls of those that aren’t used to my often inappropriate behaviour.

Today it is raining so I am not sure what we are going to achieve for the day. All I do know is that I want to spend some time with my daughter Amy. She is still sleeping at the moment so I’ll have to wait patiently. Lola and Rauen are getting ready for class since today the kids will go back to being home schooled by their mother after more than a months break. It’s going to be pleasant to have a bit of routine going again after such a long time. The boys started getting on each other, as well as our nerves for about two weeks now. It seems that even their favourite pastime, playing Playstation or on the laptop, and even swimming can only be fun for that long.